I have a magic trick that always works for me in relationship problems.
This is a trick I mainly use in my relationship with my partner Frank. It applies to any kind of relationship, and I use it on other ones too, but for me this trick has come into focus from using it in our life-partner-type relationship. It’s something I’ve used when I have been feeling exasperated, sad or plain desperate about either a specific event or some ongoing thing I’m not happy about.
My experience from using this trick has been to see transformation of the problem… into a non-event or even into a miraculous opposite—some of the developments have amazed me.
One thing though… I have always felt a strong sense of purpose in being with Frank, and we are compatible in many ways (he’s a fantastic person and we love each other to bits). In an intimate relationship, the trick would only work to bring closeness if the basic set-up of the relationship was good anyway. It would at least bring clarity if it wasn’t.
My trick is…
When the person does something, or is something, that I don’t like, I ask myself “why have I attracted that? Why have I got a partner who does X and Y, or doesn’t do Z? What is it about me, that I have drawn this situation to myself? What is it in me that this is reflecting? Can I change, so that the situation changes?”
I don’t really need to know the answers, though these may come at some point and be helpful. I think it’s actually the action of admitting to myself that I have drawn this situation to myself that changes things around.
Doing this trick takes being brutally honest with oneself, which takes quite a bit of courage. It’s so much easier to say the person is being SELFISH, because they DON’T DO THE DISHES. Or that MEN/WOMEN are ALWAYS like this!
So how does it work out?
Let’s say my partner keeps leaving muddy footprints in the house and doesn’t clean them up (I’m choosing something here that Frank would NEVER do!) I might feel unsupported, because I am left to clean them up.
I could “rise above it” and clean them up and say nothing or not much, which would probably lead to some suppressed hostility that might come out later in an argument.
Or I could ask myself “why do I have a partner who doesn’t support me? Am I not supporting myself somehow, and is his behaviour reflecting this? If that’s the case, is there some way I could start supporting myself better? How can I change so I no longer attract this?”
As I already mentioned, I may not get a terribly clear answer… I’ve been supporting myself for years, haven’t I? But something shifts around.
If I do take action, it might be to do something (support myself by asking him directly to clean up the footprints) or to think something (support myself by thinking I deserve to be supported). This leaves me more expanded and healthier… as a by-product of keeping the relationship alive.
All of the above seems to lead to a resolution of the problem, in some way. I’ve found particular issues in our relationship have been totally transformed from doing this—it could be anything from the footprints-caster suddenly washing the floors every day, to me simply not noticing the muddy footprints any more.
Love is a healer
I suspect that it’s being in a very meaningful relationship that can spur us on to really embrace this technique, because we sense that it’s in our best interest to keep the relationship going, and will try ANYTHING to fix things if there’s something wrong. While trying to keep our relationship alive, we end up healing ourselves, which is an example of how love brings about healing, I think.
(And Frank… I just want to say I really appreciate your love, your spirit and your cleanliness around the house!)
This is a photo of Frank and me at pizza night a couple of weeks ago.
If any singles reading this post find it annoyingly couple-centric, I’d know where you are coming from—Frank and I only got together when I was 49-and-a-bit, and I was always single before that. This technique can be used with relatives, friends and shop-keepers, too.
What do you think? Has anyone else been doing this? What other relationship magic tricks do you use?